Wednesday, March 17, 2010

That's it! It's war.

There is a war going on under my dress today.  My body has declared war on my Spanx.  I recently ordered what I thought were Spanx, but ended up being some generic form of them.  I purchased the kind that is a short with long legs, you know, to control the belly, cut down on the chub rub (when my inner thighs rub together), and to make me appear 'slimmer'. 

Well, where do I start?

First of all, did you ever notice that the models that are wearing the Spanx, don't even freaking need them??  Sure, we are supposed to believe that the model looks so slim because the Spanx are holding everything in.  Nice and tidy like.  Well, let me tell you something.  When you are in need of Spanx, there is no such thing as 'nice and tidy like'.

What I want to know is what am I supposed to do with the 'stuff' that is all smooshed out where the Spanx end?  It's like my body has been put into a sausage casing, but instead of being sealed off at the end, my body is trying to escape at the points the Spanx ends on my body. 

My body is trying to make a break for it.

So, what I really need is a set of Spanx that is head to toe.  And it needs a closure at each end so there is no skin/fat/blubber trying to Escape from Alcatraz.  Oh yeah, that's hot.

I also am going to start a grass roots movement to force ad agencies to show 'real' models when advertising Spanx.  I want to know that I am not the only woman with a muffin top overflow where my waistband ends.

Not to mention, as I sit here typing this, if I let my stomach go, I can make the waistband roll right down my tummy.  It's a great game and passes the time, and it's really good for my self esteem.


  1. Ok so after buying Spanx and then having to buy generic spanx in a pinch..SPANX are worth the xtra cash-those others are HORRID....and why do they just keep making them longer?? is so your body can't escape....did you see the spanx for men-HAHAHA!!...
    and I agree-they need new models....those
    bee-ACHES, I mean lovely ladies, don't even buy SPANX....
    On that note, I am taking my large body out for Mexican....:)

  2. LOL!!! you are soooo right girlfriend!

  3. I probably seriously need some SPANX but don't have any because I like loose fitting clothes...but good to know the SPANX is worth the extra money for when I do make the purchase.

  4. Thank you so much for this post!
    I was beginning to think maybe I was the only one.

    I've just become the mom who picks her kids up from school wearing her yoga pants... nevermind she doesn't actually dooo yoga anymore...

  5. You're so hilarious! Love this post.

  6. Visiting from Mondo...
    I think I need to put "try on real spanx" on my Mondo list. You description of fake spanx basically mimics my feelings of running pants. They only accentuate my muffin top.

  7. PS NICE!!! When I was leaving my comment, the ad below was for FAKE SPANX with a super skinny model wearing them!!