Friday, September 17, 2010

Dear Spin Class

Believe it or not, I’ve been fairly consistent with taking spin class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The class starts at 5:30 am. Yup, you heard me, 5:30 in the GD morning. That means that I have to wake up in enough time to get dressed, drink my water, feed the dog, brush my teeth and hair, take a couple puffs of my inhaler, and the most important thing I need to do (also the most time consuming) is to go the bathroom. I can’t stress enough how important it is to me and my body that I am able to go to the bathroom (and by ‘bathroom’, I think you know what I am talking about) before a class as crazy and as stressful as Spin Class. Oh, and I need to have enough time to walk to the gym (which is across the street).

So for the last four months or so, I have risen at the butt crack of dawn on Tuesdays and Thursdays to take spin class. Piyo (a pilates/yoga combo) is on Fridays but at a more generous time of 6am. Because I’m so dedicated and go to the gym for such a grueling class at such an early hour, I think others should be much more considerate of my well-being.

Dear Spin Class:

-fellow riders:  this class starts at 5:30 in the MORNING which means it will never be full, or even half full, so please don’t come in and sit on the bike right next to me. You will put me in a panic that you are stealing my air and I NEED ALL THE F***ING AIR I CAN GET IN THIS STUPID CLASS. So, don’t sit next to me or directly in front of me, thanks.

-for the cute couple that sits next to each other: yeah, you guys are cute and thin and in LOVE, but do you really need to share the f***ing water bottle too? Bring your own, thanks.

-teacher: please, please, PLEASE don’t talk too much. First, I am not a talker, never been a talker, come from a family of non-talkers, and we don’t like talkers. Second, it’s 5:30 in the GD morning, I don’t want to listen to you. Third, if your explanation of what is coming next takes longer that 2.5 seconds, I have either already toned you out or told you to “shut up” under my breath, and still haven’t a clue what you are saying. Just let me enjoy the music and tell me what to do with a VERY brief explanation. I am on a stationary bike for crying out loud, I can’t screw up that bad. Keep it simple AND BRIEF, thanks.

-new class member: if your knees are hitting your armpits, chest or chin, that means your seat is too low. RAISE THE F***ING SEAT, GENIUS. Even if you are new to the class, common sense isn’t. Thanks.

-spin class: if my heart rate hits 193 bpm, and I am soaking wet at the end of class, and my legs burn like they are on fire, don’t you think I’d lose some weight by now? Or have an ass that could stop traffic? Or legs that could be in a Nair commercial? Yeah, well none of it has happened. Fix that, thanks.



  1. Ummm..can anyone messenger a Midol to Natalie STAT?! Let's start there and see if the next letter to the spin class is any different. :) JK...NR. :)

  2. Alrighty then, now you see why I don't want to get up when it's still dark out & exercise? I don't want to be crabby! My workout is to walk Riley for 20 minutes 3 times a week. Is that enough? By the look of me ... NO!

  3. You seriously crack me up lady. Hilarious post!!

  4. Awesome post, woman. I am *so* not a morning person. My imaginary hat is off to you for your commitment. It's impressive. And maybe just the tiniest bit insane. :o )

  5. You should write a memoir!!! This post sounds like the author I'm reading now (Jen Lancaster. She lives in Chicago!).

  6. Hilarious!

    My hats off to you for getting up so freaking early to exercise. I've tried but my body will barely move or if it does, I get sick as a dog. I need serious food before I exercise. You know, pancakes, bacon, cinnamon get the picture. Hmmm...I can't seem to lose weight either.